Deep inside she knows something is very, very wrong, but she doesn't remember anything. Yet, when she looks around her she sees nothing that should make her feel so bad. When the feelings return, she is overcome with panic, pain, and desperation. She reaches out for help, but never seems to find what she is looking for The pain gets worse. Her relationships are overwhelmed by the power of her emotions. The pain still lurks, but it's easier to pretend it's not there than to acknowledge the horrors she has buried in the deepest parts of her mind. She forgets everything she has ever wanted. She learns to do what she is told with the utmost compliance. She soon learns there is no hope.Īs she grows older she gets stronger. This strong, lonely, desperate child learns to give up the senses that make all people feel alive. She stops trusting her own feelings because no one else acknowledges them or hears her agony. "Nothing bad has happened to you ' her family tells her Each day she begins to feel more and more like she doesn't know what is real. When she tries to talk about her pain, she is told that she must be crazy. Betrayal is too simple a word to describe the overwhelming pain, the overwhelming loneliness and isolation this child experiences.Īs if the abuse during the rituals were not enough, this child experiences similar abuse at home on a daily basis. He tells her that she needs the discipline, or that she has asked for it by her misbehavior. Her father orders her to be tortured and tells her it is for her own good. No matter what she does, the pain will not stop. No matter how loud she cries, she can't stop or change what is happening. She tries to cry out for help, but soon learns that no one will listen. She experiences pain that is so intense that she cannot think her head spins so fast she can't remember who she is or how she got there.Īll she knows is pain. “Betrayal is too kind a word to describe a situation in which a father says he loves his daughter but claims he must teach her about the horrors of the world in order to make her a stronger person a situation in which he watches or participates in rituals that make her feel like she is going to die. He laughed at her and her antics, told her she was a mess.įrantic, she looked for love hiding in his eyes, in his face, in his stance, and she found nothing but disdain. The place she could not stir for herself. She felt a sense of privilege for having such passion in her life. Somewhere deep down, in her labyrinth, her intricacy, the darkest part of her soul, she relished the mayhem. When she discovered his indiscretions, she threw love in his face and beat him with it. Intimacy would lead to his undoing-in his mind, an irrational and indulgent mistake. He valued his soul’s privacy far more than he valued the intimacy of sincere connection so he kept his distance at any and all costs. She suspected that he would always seek to minimize the risk of being split open, his secrets revealed. She couldn’t see what was really happening, only what she wanted to happen.
It had never occurred to her that this desire was not love. She’d let him enter her spirit and stroke her soul where everything is love and sensation and surrender. Her love, her body, she had given to him and he’d taken with such feigned sincerity, absorbing every drop of her.
Claiming souls before they could claim him.
He knew he was hurting her, but didn’t know how to share anything but pain. He pushed and he pulled, tested boundaries, thinking she would never leave. She saw his shadow, loved it, understood it.
If he exposed himself and the sun came out, he’d see his shadow. He chose to stay in the dark where he couldn’t see. If he stopped wandering, he would have to face himself. If he stopped moving, he would self-destruct. He only stayed long enough to take what he needed and keep moving. She wanted his heart, knew she couldn’t have it so she took what she could get.